claustrophobia?

This was no less than a nightmare. I was sitting in the class at 7:45 AM fighting nausea and trying to steady my breathing. Suddenly I was feeling more sick than ever.

Sitting there in the class I was weighing my options to go out making some excuse to the teacher and risking an already sinking reputation in front of other students (my college mates). But one thing that was clear enough was that I wouldn't survive like this for long. Either I had to rush to the washroom or puke here in front of all the people I knew. And besides I had no notion at all of what was being taught in the class. All I could hear was the churning inside my stomach.

A particular jolt of nausea caught me off guard and I suddenly leaped to my feet walking towards the door. My teacher, as I noticed then was busy answering the question of one of the students. I just whispered "washroom, sir" as I passed him and came out the door. It all happened so fast, that I had no time to check his reaction. But I could finally breathe. This was victory. But the nausea was still brewing, so I headed straight for the washroom and let the stomach take control.

This was certainly a bad day. A very bad day. In there, waiting for my stomach to relax, the thought that constantly tortured me was if someone outside was listening to my sufferings or probably waiting for the room to be free. I wondered how self conscious I was and unnecessarily perceptive. What the hell! And specially after this my confidence will be on an all time low. Specially in dealing with my batch mates who I think look down upon me (or is it just my over analysis).

Finally I came out and was relived to find no one in the vicinity. I checked the watch and there was still an hour and a half left for the class to get over. There was no question of me going back in again. So I came out the building and headed for the foggy roadsides. The cold was unbearable but I was more than thankful to breathe again. The morning sun was just visible in the fog covered horizon. I ached for sunlight; and kept walking in a hope to find it.

I tried to analyze what had just happened. I had slept late last night, almost 3am. Got up at 6 and had maggi and had left for CP soon after. I was early, surprisingly, as I never did better than a 15min late in the class. Sir hadn't yet arrived and as I sat in my usual last bench; I felt suffocated. I didn't give it much notice except when it was replaced by nausea. I grew sick and the next thing I could remember was my difficult breathing and disorientation. What could it be probably? Claustrophobia? I don't know. I never felt suffocated in classrooms until today. It could also have been sleep deprivation and indigestion. Talking about this at home was out of question. I rarely share anything with my family.

So what now? I'll probably do some googling on this subject and see if I can help myself - While I thought all this, I realized I had gone a little too far but finally the sun was out and shining on me. I felt far better and in control of myself. It was also time so I went back to collect my bag which I had left in the classroom and then headed straight to home.

Stay this night - James Blunt

Just love this song



Ooooooh, Oooooooh, Ooooooh, hey!
It’s 72 degrees, zero chance of rain
It’s been a perfect day
We’re all spinning on our heels, so far away from real
In California
We watched the sunset from our car, we all took it in
And by the time that it was dark, you and me had something, yeah!

And if this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

We’ve been singing Billie Jean
Mixin’ vodka with caffeine
We’ve got strangers stopping by
And though you’re out of tune
Girl you blow my mind, you do
And I’ll say I don’t wanna say good night

There’s no quiet corner to get to know each other
And there’s no hurry I’m a patient man
Is your discover
Cause if this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

Just like the song on our radio set
We’ll share the shelter of my single bed
But it’s a different tune that’s stuck in my head
And it goes…
If this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

The # effect

We were seven of us. Three, including me were still in college, in their third years and the rest four were pass outs, working. So we had made the joints and were ready to get high. There were two joints in total and quiet thick ones. Such that overall we had more that 3 joints. We started smoking. The joints being passed on in clockwise and anticlockwise directions respectively in the group.


The second time I got my chance to puff, as the joints were passed along in a circle, is when I started to feel that it was different this time. I had tried these before but not with the proximity that I was dealing with now. As I took breaths of hash smoke, I suddenly felt a sharp burning sensation in my throat. This confirmed that this time around I was having the drug more than I've ever tried before.


I excused myself from the group and walked outside. I was scared to the bone by the sudden nausea that was raging inside me. But I hadn't had anything to eat except for some chips that whole morning, so I was almost sure that I won't puke. But still, it was as if something outside my control was playing with the chords of my life. I was uncomfortable to extreme levels. Others came outside soon and stoned obviously, were totally oblivious to my condition or their own for christ sake. Suddenly the death of Heath Ledger due to drug overdose started flooding my thoughts and that made my stomach turn even more. My hear beat was breaking records. My concern of getting home were now replaced by my concern for my survival.


I excused them to go back home. My thoughts were barely in my control and I had to trust it to lead me safely from Safdarjung Encalve to Green Park metro station. I had come here only for the second time and that too via a different route and after a long time. As I turned the corner, my mind started racing.


I got lost deep in the thoughts that I can't recall now. I was looking down on the road and walking. Suddenly when I looked up I realized that I had completely cut my mind off the present. ( And it could've been worse like me landing up in the middle of the road, looking down, lost in my own space, and a crassshhh). After that I made a conscious effort to keep my eyes on the road, on the vehicles around me. But I wasn't successfull at all. Now I am grateful to my instincts which lead me safely back home in spite of my condition being that of a dead body.


There were a few things I remember:

1. As i was walking, I couldn't feel the throb in my legs that I was sure should have been there as a result of the amount of exhaustion i have been throug the day. My legs just kept walking, and it was as if now my concern should be on how to stop them and not on worrying about them collapsing to the wright of my dead-body.


2. I remember hopping on to the ladies compartment of the metro in a rush and total inablity to see and think clearly. Then I suddenly realized that there were females all around, all of them giving me an angry glance. And then the sanity that there was supposed to be something known as the 'ladies-only' compartment. 'OH', I had said to myself and ran out the same moment. All of this happened in 3 seconds.
   


3. There were periods of unconsciousness when I was standing/hanging inside the metro. Not blackouts but periods of total oblivion about my environment. No memories. I was damn sure that my demeanor to an outsider wasn't that of a drunk. It could have been that of an extremely tired dude. But I was sure I wasn't misbehaving inside the metro.
   

By the time I got back home at around 10pm. My hallucination effect was completely gone. Though my control over my body was still in question. My throat was burning dry and the first thing I did was to drink lots of water. It was also to remove the lingering odor (if any) for my Mom to detect. (Once you take hash and are away from smoke, then unlike cigarettes, there's no odor from your mouth (unless of course inspected very closely)). Then ate lots of food and went straight to the bed.

social-networking : internet : life

God Jesus. I was just saw the movie 'The social network' and this concept really motivated me. Writing code. Thinking of an original idea, implementing it. I really want to do that. In fact I am doing something on similar lines. Wish this ends up well.

Online projects never really "end-up" . If you don't update your project, be it a website, an application, an extension or anything one can think of on the internet, it'll die off. Internet changes really fast. In fact, the pace of this change sometimes defines the way we percept the phases in our life. For an instance, my life before I became really active on Facebook, now, seems like ages ago. Internet has affected us so much. Its more addictive that anything I've tried. And if one thinks one can get away with it, I wonder how wrong he/she is. If you fall for internet, you get addicted. If you happen to maintain a distance, you fall behind the pace with which the things are changing.

God help us!

Why I screwed up my end sems ??

And I have done it again. The graph just keeps falling. I screwed up my third semester exams and an year after, the fifth semester exams have been a legacy. So whats the reason?

Dude, Roopam! What happened to you? This was never the way things were. And suddenly the world is upside down. Whatsup! hmm?

I don't know brother, I just don't fucking know for sure. Wish I did. It so much drives the crap out of me. Here's what I "think" ruined me:

1. Love

No need to explain really. Right? And nothing can be done for this except for adapting and incorporating whatever extra dynamics it brings along so that life remains stable somehow.

2. My Brain

Recently I am facing a ridiculous problem. Its insane to even think that way, my sub-conscious brain prevents my conscious brain to do what has to be done. Its as if I myself stop myself to study or work or do something which my conscious mind is screaming for. And I have no control on that. I am going crazy, for sure.

3. My Distractions (in work)

Yeah, I am so much involved into things far far from my engineering schedule, that there was a point when I almost made up my mind to just stand up and go. Leave engineering and do what I my abilities call for. It's like I am not made for electronics. Circuits scare me. Although, If you force upon me shit loads of books and give a deadline for an exam. I can probably get a 40% and clear it. Or even a 60% if I really work hard or if you give me an ultimatum that it's either an 80% or death, then I might even reach 75%. (Although perishing wouldn't be a very effective motivation if anyone took that one seriously. haha) But that would be because I was forced to do it. I wish I had taken Computers. But again, computer courses have their own complications. There is too much uncertainty when loads of codes and algorithms are played with. It gets too frustrating sometimes. So I dread that subject too. Fuck.

Oh then, what do you want loser?

I don't know. I don't.

4. My late start

Coming to the practical reasons, not preparing from the start of the semester does makes sense. But then, I have the justification in a jiffy.

Are you crazy? Study like a nerd from the start...for 6 months..study that shit, which I am never probably gonna use? Waste your youth, your time in that? Really Roopam? Is that what you want?

No, I don't want that. But it wasn't that extreme, you know, I could have studied smartly. Made proper notes, attended the classes (as much as I my distractions allowed me). The subjects were not boring after all. Electronics has a whole new light, when the formulas, derivations and circuits are studied with its applications.

Gotta improve on that brother.

5. Peers

Really, Are you blaming your friends for your screwing up?

No I...No I am not. How can I? That would be foolish. If I can't decide what's good for me and what's not, who in hell gives me the right to blame them. Self Control. The lack of which is the reason. Prioritize. That's whats I need to do. There are unlimited things to do. I have to understand I can't do all of that. I have to prioritize. Do what's necessary. Identify the requirement, work for it. Learn from mistakes and have patience .

So peers and friends were never a reason. My friends, no matter how much cheap and low-life they seem, are the most amazing lot of people I have seen in this world. :P :)

6. No Books (over belief)

Okay don't believe me, but I gave two exams without having their books. CSO and IOME. (@non-engineers: the first one is Computer System Organization and second one is Industrial Organization and Management Engineering and no, they are not as scary as their names, :P ).

I solely was dependent on slideshows for CSO and internet for IOME and I proudly say that I might as well pass these exams and that would be an unusual achievement in fact. Passing an exam without it's book.

Roopam, dude, you are amazing!

Any ways back to the point. So you might ask: "WHY". Why didn't I buy a book.

Why?

My brain keeps holding me back, remember? I knew I have to buy a book. I even had the money for that. But, well, my dark sided "me" thought it wasn't necessary. Although I was clear, that I don't make notes anyways. "so where am I gonna study from, library?". I don't even have a library card. Ask me "why?". I lost my earlier one and didn't bother to make a new one.

This only means two things bro. Either you are too lazy or you are not clear about what you want.

So I think that's pretty much the bull's eye. The main reason being my being oblivious to what I want. I am just too much distracted.
But that's the diagnosis. Where's the medicine?

big hard sun

When I walk beside her
I am the better man
when i look to leave her
I always stagger back again

Once I built an ivory tower
so I could worship from above
when I climb down to be set free
she took me in again

There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world

When she comes to greet me
she is mercy at my feet
I see her inner charm
she just throws it back at me

Once I dug an early grave
to find a better land
she just smiled and laughed at me
and took her rules back again

Once I stood to lose her
and I saw what i had done
bowed down and threw away the hours
of her garden and her sun

So I tried to want her
I turned to see her weep
40 days and 40 nights
and its still coming down on me

-eddie vedder

Such a rush - 2

I am feeling so enlightened while I am writing this. I feel like jumping (if only I was not so damn tired). So you guys might be wondering what I am so excitedly talking about. Hmm. Let me explain. My recent life has been a rush. Everything happening at such a pace, that I can’t keep a track of time. I infact forgot in which month did I buy my Laptop. That’s dumb because how could anyone forget such a major event. Well, I remember everything. From the shop from where I bought it, to the conversation the shop manager had with my father (bits of it), the feeling when I took this amazing machine in my hand and proudly said, ‘this is mine’. I just don’t remember the date. I can guess though, I have been using it in the vacations between my fourth and fifth semester and I didn’t have it in most of my fourth semester. So I can calculate that I bought it somewhere around the end of my fourth semester, which should be MAY. So MAY it is. Haha.

Coming back to my point, the thing that i am excited about is the pace of my life now a days. I almost always have work to do (or may be I hype trifle things and create work which don’t exist). And I would confess that I need work so stay normal. Sitting alone without having anything to do drives me insane. I was never like that until an year and half back. That was when I got selected for the Robosapiens workshop insanity and it took my normal self away. I should thank them in fact for taking out my static life and put it on fast track. Adapting to the sudden change wasn’t easy. And I still am a rookie at handling the workload. But still today I am feeling a sense of achievement. At the end of the day, when one thinks about how many jobs he did, how much easier he made things for himself and for others, he has the liberty to feel happy.

I just wish that this rush doesn’t take away my health, my friends and my family.

dhoti clan!

Ya so it was after , like more than 9 yrs, that i was back in my hometown. It's the place where I was born and raised and have the earliest childhood memories of. My grandmother is an unfailing religious devotee and it sometimes surprises me how she manages to get up so early, despite her age and ill ness, and visit the nearby gayatri temple. Wisdom radiates from her fragile body. When I saw her after so long and I could feel how happy she was on having her family together after such a long time.

I was a little bewildered when she asked me to come to the temple with her that morning. Temples are not usually the place I idealize. And that was not it. The temple had a custom that all the males were supposed to come in dhoti kurta and sit in the havan. So I not only had to brave a temple visit but also wear a dhoti. Duh. And what could I say in front of my grannie. Yeah I feel so embarrassed, but thats how I looked. :P

.

And that was not it. When I reached the temple, I shocked to see every male there in dhoti. Dude. I was feeling so shy with all the ladies and girls throwing occasional glances at me. Although my grannie said I was looking like a locale, like bengali guy. But that didn't help. Hmm. But in the havan section of the temple, everyone was wearing the same thing. The whole dhoti clan. Dude.

Finally everything was over and I barely spoke a syllable of the mantra that was being echoed everywhere. But I finally felt really proud of being an obeying grandson and me and my grannie went back home laughing and chilling like old buddies.

such a rush

"its such a rush to do nothing at all; such a fuss to get nowhere at all"

This is the conclusion that I land up to almost every other day. What I am doing feels more like an obligation, more of a rule; an illogical rush to achieve something immaterial. It feels like everything that is going on has no future; is useless in the long run. I often wonder 'whats the point?' and unable to answer, I continue doing my aimless monotony. Its like I can't run away from them. Its like I am trapped; trapped in the system.

day 7 - positivity experiment

So i couldn't write about the five things that made me happy for the other six days and only have been able to put myself into writing on the last day of the positivity experiment. It's kind of hard and irresponsible of me to be not able to do that, since I volunteered. But hey, I did notice the five points that made me happy. Sometimes there were only four, but I managed to filter out the five on other occasions.

So assuming that a day starts after 12 in the night, the first thing that made me happy was that I completed the novel 'breaking dawn'. I was into reading the four twilight books since a month and through scattered reading sessions, the novels seemed invincible. Last time it happened when i was on a similar mission to complete the seven books of harry potter. I used to have dreams and nightmares, all revolving around the novels, their charters and events. Its kind of psychic, I mean, we are into this reading business for quite a while and when in free time or even when we have other work to do, we just start reading as if we cant get enough. Its maniacal. But when you are finally done with the novel, there is a hell-of-a-sense-of-achievement. I felt the same and this made me happy. The novels were captivating no doubt, but a little girlie for a normal egoistic guy. But i am not really one of them, so i enjoyed them in earnest. But I had my 'yukk' moments too. No offense girls. haha

I slept late as a consequence and had not more than four hours of sleep before I got up at six. I was supposed to go for my CAT coaching classes. Today was the first day and commencement of my batch. The class was to start from 7:30 and go on till 9:30 and it took me usually an hour to reach CP. So i had half an hour to get ready and fly off for the metro. When i made it there finally a good 15minutes late, i was still huffing. The class was exceptionally quite and everyone seemed to be busy with some paper without even a teacher in class. 'Wow', i thought, first day and and they greet me with a test. sure sure. But as I delved deep into the paper, i realized, my brain was working exceptionally clear. I was able to solve many problems without much brainstorming or hair doodling. This mad me happy for the second time. Although I was felling sleep deprived and physically weak, my mind was racing.

When I got back home, I was all fucked with fever. My forehead burning, feeling cold, my eyes disoriented and I was happy i didn't go unconscious in the metro. huh. I had a good bed rest after some medication. And all that time, i dreamt of vampires and werevolves. huh. silly, how ficton can conquer the unconscious mind so easily.

So not many donuts for me today, only two things made me happy!aarghh, this fever.

train diaries 2

I was sitting on a concrete bench at the railway station. It was past twilight and almost dark. People were bustling around in random directions; some waiting, caterers carrying food, passengers inquiring about the trains, others just wandering. Everything was just a background drone. And I was sitting there alone with strangers on that inconspicious bench, lost somewhere.

I had a very eventful day earlier. My mind so full of thoughts that it almost felt numb; as if I could no longer think. I just sat, staring ahead on the empty tracks which was soon to support a monstrous iron structure meant to carry humans hundreds of kilometres. Then the lady spoke, and I felt her voice all around me, all over the station, echoing through my numb brain. As I finally managed to realize the urgent need to respond to her, I looked around. The voice was still coming from somewhere, everyone listening intently to it. I sighed as I realized it was the computer generated female voice making announcements. 'So stupid roopam, have i lost my mind, I could have missed it', I thought as I came back to present. The noise around me was suddenyl deafening. My train would be arriving here in 20 mins. I looked around.

It was dark indeed and I wasn't dreaming. I thougt of the agony that lay ahead of me. Travelling in a second class coach was never much of a thrill but endurance, a test to human's patience and desparation. My past experiences with it were worse than nightmares. And here I was again, facing another challenge. I shuddered and exhaled in fear and felt an urgent need to clam myself before I panicked. I thought of the 'aal iz well' technique. It was insane enough watching that in the moovie but felt quite reasonable then. I recalled the basics skills of survival. Breathe, look around, look for details. 'Its all in your brain roopam, its nothing dangerous, just ordinary, look at the people around, do they look afraid?', I tried to steady my heartbeat. It wasn't completely successful but yeah it did remind of how much a human can endure, pain is next to nothing in this part of the world. 'Humans are amazing and I am a human too'. Okay, so I looked around again concentrating on the details.

The man sitting next to me was deleting some applcations in his motorolla phone. He was deleting the game, 'prince of persia - sands of time'. I grimaced at how much detail I was supposed to consider. 'Damnit, I have certainly lost my mind'. I instinctively looked at my left wrist. There was no watch. I almost panicked, my heart exploding out of my chest. Then I recalled, the watch had stopped earlier and I had kept it in my bag. Panic was still there. I tried to feel my phone in my waist pcocket, and thanked god having found it. I concentrated again, frantically looking around for details that could put me back in control. I realized i was hungry and I recalled i had a burger in my bag. I took it out and ate it still looking around wildly.

Then a beggar walked from my right. That was sudden; there was a lot of crowd around and very close and suddenly here he was, facing us with a pityful face. I looked at him, surprised, wondering if my face was looking alike in panic: pityful. He asked for some money and said he needs to get home and has no money to buy a ticket. He also added that the ticket was for 35 bucks and I wondered where can a ticket that amount would mean for. 'Kanpur may be..lko was abt 1.5 hrs from kanpur..yah possible'. I ignored him at first as I do with all other beggars. Then he pressed more and said that he just needs some money, he is stuck here and really needs to get home. I dont know what happened to me but i just took out a 5-bucks coin from my pocket and gave him. While my hand was in my pocket searching for the coin, he said 'inka dil bhoot bada h' and looked at me with life in his eyes. I could see it, I could see myself in his place, begging for help, in agony, alone. I gave him the coin and he said 'i love you, i love you man, i love you'. I frowned at the absurdity of the situation and reconsidered my assumption that i wasn't dreaming.

The person sitting beside me chuckled. This was something extremely out of place. But I also knew this was the moment I would'nt forget. I have had one experience with an intelligent and 'exceptional' beggar before. None so thankful as he was and none with the kind of gratitude in the eyes as I saw in his as he left. The guy beside me told, 'you just made his night'. Which of corse meant that all the wanna-go-home excuse was fake. He just craved for alcohol. And I didn't care. I told him, 'ni yar, i have been stuck on a railway station, bht bura hota h, mujhe vo yaad agaya'. And indeed, whenever I think of that night on the station, with no money, my mis-adventures, I have to fight back tears. That was the reason i gave him the money. I don't care if he buys himself a 'desi' with it or gambles, i was happy I helped someone who might be in that nightmarish situation.

And then I was happy, full of energy. I realised I had to change my jeans to a more cmfortable shorts for the journey. I had to call my mom, buy some water. A few more unfortunate things happened that night, but finally in the morning I was in Delhi. And it felt like winning a battle. I wish I could write more about my journey that night or the events that led me so far from my home. The past day two days were more tiring and eventful than last two months combined. My life just had another hysteric and extreme chapter.

hey bhaggu thanx...thanx for giving me a real 'life'.

tetris in javascript!

hey guys

So i made this game on my own with javascript help from variuos websites but the implementation and dedbugging has been my study and sweat. I am making the source code publicly available, but I beg you not to misuse it or take credit yourselves (as if I made time machine ..but still honor is something all coders live by).

As for the rest of it, do let me know about any faults and corrections. And for queries and abuses, I am availabale at mailroopam@gmail.com as long as google exixts.

Here goes a small walk-through of how the game was made:

I tell you a secret, i am a dork. Yah i am insulting myself but for a reason. Its better to accept what you are, right? The reason is i don't know what I want. Knowing what you want and not being able to do it is honourable enough. So basically I am trying my hands on everything that interests me even a little. Javascript, my latest fancy, is a browser based language used for both client and server scripting. Although coined as very light weight language, it gets super heavy if one goes deeper and can be compared to any full fledged language like C++. Also a bug that plagued me and many more starters is that javascript and java are not the same.

Anyways the idea for making a game in javascript is originally a part of an idea of making a website for people like us looking for information and kick offs in internet and multimedia technologies. Still under construction, I plan to launch it in near time. So it happened like i already had made a shooting game in javascript and was looking for an idea for another game, that is more indulging, simple and fun to play. Tetris struck me when I was sitting in a J2ME workshop at my college. Cant remember what exactly triggered the thought but the idea seemed good enough. Going back, standing on the metro station I told a friend I was going to make tetris in javascript. He told me, he would do that in adobe flash. Dunno if he was joking but i started off with it the moment I came back home.

And now here it is. Not a very legendary accomplishment though, but considering the work and brainstorming involved, I want to give myself a hi5. I don't know how many people would play it. but certainly, this proves i am good at taking up a new problem and implementing a solution. Brainstorming, debugging and giving a result. The only concern is the large amount of time i take up. Wish I could do things faster.

Anyways, returning back to the game: To play it, download it from the following link (No No I wont ask my fans to download a virus :P ). Open it with a browser and BINGO. To start the game, click on 'start game'. Read the instructions if you want to, but tetris being so popular wont need introduction. Fine then, cya around.

Download it from here

http://sites.google.com/site/roopamplifier/javascript-playground/

memories..

Last night I saw a dream, that it was my first day at hostel. I don't remember much of it, except that it was as weird as my other dreams. But it brought back my actual memories when I went to hostel for the first time in my life.

I still remember, it was my first day at hostel or rather the first night. My uncle had come to drop me and ma luggage to my double room, which looked so unwelcoming, that I wanted to turn back home the moment I stepped in. It was the first time I was staying away from home and the ragging legends that came along, made my pants wet (well almost) as uncle bid me farewell with a smile which looked more sinister than assuring. As expected someone banged on my door late in the night after dinner. So I opened the door to let in a tall, tuff guy who obviously was a senior with a companion of his who looked the same except being a little shorter. I tried to keep my voice firm but with no success. "yes!?", "first year?", "ye...yes!!".."is that how you greet your seniors","no sir definitely not, m new to hostel","okay then, give me a ninety and show me how fish swims"!!Although It was not the first time, I was getting bullied, I felt better this time, coz they were not ma classmates like before but seniors. I did what I was told to do. A few more tense minutes and then one of their people told them that professors were coming. "alright, roopam...we leave now, but we'll come back!!" so they left.


Its funny how true is the saying..'every man has a master'..even the most scary of seniors, no matter how much anxiety they induced in us, were afraid of professors (with a few exceptions of corse). Trying to digest the sudden change in the atmosphere, i had come out to the common room (its not a room actually, a ground with hostel blocks on each side and and open sky above), only to meet anxious first years like me. Probably the seniors had bullied them too. So that was the first time i met my future friends who are still with me. Now it feels like ages back. No more seniors came that night, but that doesn't mean i was never bullied after that. I'll save that for some other day.

cya.

the day i'll remember part 5

zip zap boom!!

So fellas, this is the last part of my 'the day I'll remember' post and also the most eventful for that matter :P:D
Ahh so where were we..hmmm...we were celebrating bhatter's buddae...on the hostel corridor..night time 2 am...water flying all around..everyone running wildly and laughing...i was feeling a little dumb..with my cybershot in hand..recording the frivolities of the evening....like m watching it on TV..duh
So I decided to join in..(here comes daddy mah kiddos)..i kept the cam, my mobile, wallet, watch n specs in pawan's room...got a bucket and went to the common bathroom to fill up my air-torpedo!!Till now everyone ws wet...anyone was randomly chosen and water poured over him and beaten by everyone....everyone was enjoying basically!!Normally we won't do that....only the b'day boy bears the brunt!!But pawan was having bad days already and everyone knew that...so we decided to shift the wrath on each other so pawan could enjoy!!(friends indeed haan?!) So everyone was running around...we 10-12 of us...the corridor quite slippery now!!I was enjoying really...without slippers...i was running like a small boy....I don't know why the hell would a 20 yr old wud do that....i feel angry sometimes!!so one particular slide was quite long....i was sliding and sliding and sliding....and then boom!!................

I went unconscious....and after that my threads of awareness came in parts:

I realized i was sitting on the wet floor...someone supporting my back...someone looking at my head and shouting...(i think that was puneet)...pawan's face in front of me, couldn't hear him....and one word came out from me..."fuck man"!!I couldn't hear anything...it felt like a long time...it felt like i couldn't remember anything recent....that got me scared...have I lost my memory??

Next I remember I was in a car...puneet beside me trying to console...holding my head...someone had put a handkerchief around my wound...I looked at my legs...they were shaking horribly...i couldn't control them!!I looked who was driving the car...it was someone i knew..was from the hostel, couldn't recall his name...I got very scared...i said.."fuck man, I cant remember anything"....i remember saying that exactly!!

Next I remember I was in a lift going up the hospital on the 3rd floor!!I was standing alright, but I culdn't feel my legs!!My eyes were closed throughout!!I heard..my friends and the receptionist having some conversation...he probably said...."we found his guy on the roadside, my mum insisted dropping him to a hospital, can we dump him here"...then someone took me to the ICU (I think I read that on the door) and made me lie on a bed...or was it just a table..i dont remember!!I was lying where that guy left me...i was shivering..the AC was ON...'someone please switch it off'!!Everything was white...from the bedsheet to the walls!!It was definitely the operation room...my head was feeling very heavy!!I was conscious now...but i couldn't move my head....it felt like a long time lying there!!My friends weren't with me!!Why wont someone put a bandage or something!!Then a doctor came...was young..asked my name...I told him...asked me where i was from...'NSIT'!! "aoo...from the engineering college here??...so you a hostler...what happened?"!!I didn't reply....frankly I couldn't remember a thing!!he started putting medication on my head!!I thought how was I looking...i was wearing a violet half-shoulder waist, jogging half-pants....all wet...no slippers!!A roadside vendor would look better than me!!huh

By the time it was done...I was feeling Okay...I came out of the white room to find the waiting room filled with my friends from the hostel!!whoaa....thats called the hostel spirit!!A hostler's hurt his head...is in the hospital, so we borrow bikes and rush to the hospital even if we don't know who he is and even if it's 3 in the morning!! huh!!but it was nice to see them...having fun...everyone thinking i lost memory and trying to prove that by asking my own name!!:P:D!!By the time I came back to hostel, i came to know India had lost T20...another blow!!enough for today man....i went back to the room...changed to dry clothes and went with puneet to sleep in his double room!!

divine deception!!

once upon a time, in a far far land, three monks decided to master the power of walking on water!!

So they sat down together beside a lake and started meditating. After some time one of them got up and started walking towards the lake. miraculously he was walking on water without his feet dipping and crossed the lake without drowning!!

Then the second monk got up and started walking towards the lake!!And to the awe of the third monk he also crossed the lake without going more than an inch in the deep lake!!The third monk thought that since he has also meditated for the same time as they did. He also had the power to walk on water. So he got up and approached the edge of the lake. But the moment he stepped in it, he fall. Disappointed he cursed the other two and the god's partiality!!

The other two monks just laughed across the lake. The second monk then said to the first one.."do you think we should tell him where the stones are!?"

So whats the thing!!?? Wherever there's magic, it not always god who intervenes, its deception most of the times!!So watch out, before you turn into a hopeless believer!!

train diaries

0023 hours
28th December
Second class coach, Gorakhdham express

A lady just offered me her seat. Although she has a baby with her, she still gave me her seat and is now lying on the train floor. That is the space between two berth rows where I was sitting before. This for me a great act of kindness and I feel extremely indebted to her.

Although she seems to have taken this decision so that she can sleep on the floor (which was not possible on the seat where she was sitting), I think she did it for me 'coz I cuddled her baby when he was crying some moments before. Previously I was sitting at her knees on the floor, which is way dirty. This coach is crowded beyond capacity and its cold. I am alone here and going to lucknow to meet a friend.

So now that I am sitting on her seat, my hands are free and I can write this.
Thanks to her
I owe you ma'am!!

INCIDENT OF THE NIGHT

New Delhi Railway station
Platform No. 11
2120 hours
27th December

The tarin Gorakhdham Express came into view at the far end of the platform. I tried to shook my sleepishness and get into action, now that my train was here after a long wait. A large swarm of people started to converge, where they suspected the doors of second class coach to stop. I wondred how different it used to be when I travelled with my father with a reservation ticket in hand. Some people infact started running in the direction of the incoming train to get into it while it was in motion and grab a seat while others were waiting for it to stop.

But soon after, everyone started moving toward to the coatch rather than the coatch to come to them. I followed. As the train came to a crawl, the doors were stuffed with people trying to get in simultaneously, while those outside running with the train, holding on to each other, forming a delta at the door. I was among them.

then suddenly I noticed a woman, half her body in the cack between the train and the platform, being dragged along, crying for help. Her cry was diminished by the shrieking of train wheels and noone was noticing her as they were looking striaght up at the doors and how to get inside. I was standing a little away from her in the direction of train. So it was like she came to me while being dragged. Since I was not moving now as it was just too much for me to see. My mouth ajar, the huge crowd coverging to where I was as the train kept moving. By instinct, I jumped into the delta, while being pushed got to the bottom of the door, grabbed that woman by her arms and pulled her up. As I was doing it, I was overwhelmed by the consciousness that I was saving a life.

As I pulled her up, staggering with her as the crowd collided with us as if nothing was happening and we were just obstacles to them. I let her go off my grip. Realizing she was fine and safe, I ran for the doors again. Behind me she suddenly started screaming like hell, repeating how close she was to being crushed by the train. Some people around started asking what happened.

I thought of turning back and let her see her saviour, but then I thought that what was to be done was done and it was over. I had a smile on my face and that was too too much for me for one evening. I wondered how cheap is life among the poor of our country. Today I was going to travel with them Although I belonged to a lower middle class family, I've never been this close to life and death before.

I dont know whether my doing this made any difference, but I thank god for giving me the strength and the opportunity to do this.

Thanks god.


ATMOSPHERE INSIDE THE SECOND CLASS COACH OF A TRAIN

0115 hours
28th december
2nd class coach , Gorakhdham express

Its fifteen minutes past one but still many people are having animated talks all around me. Like a group of people talking on some topic, everyone giving their own views and experiences. It's astonishing, how people adapt themselves in a harsh and dingy enviroment like this. The train is moving at such high speed, ts damn cold. There's not even an inch left in this crowded coach.

Most of the people are sleeping or trying to sleep in twisted postures. It's hard to think how a person can relax in such a state let alone sleep. Someone said it right, humans are capable of great feats once they abandon their dignity or their condition forces them to adapt. Adapt to survive. Its hard to think about this side of life.

People are sprawled up on the floor, stacked on the seats, luggages hanging in mid air. It reminds me of those old movies depiecting the condition of india at the time of partition. I dont feel like sleeping but am sure that sleep will grip me somewhere down the line in the 6 hour journey left to reach lucknow. Sometimes I miss home, get deperessed and feel like nothing's gonna be alright.

But then kittie gives me the reason to be happy, a reason why I am doing what I am doing.
God Bless her
ILUAB