day 7 - positivity experiment

So i couldn't write about the five things that made me happy for the other six days and only have been able to put myself into writing on the last day of the positivity experiment. It's kind of hard and irresponsible of me to be not able to do that, since I volunteered. But hey, I did notice the five points that made me happy. Sometimes there were only four, but I managed to filter out the five on other occasions.

So assuming that a day starts after 12 in the night, the first thing that made me happy was that I completed the novel 'breaking dawn'. I was into reading the four twilight books since a month and through scattered reading sessions, the novels seemed invincible. Last time it happened when i was on a similar mission to complete the seven books of harry potter. I used to have dreams and nightmares, all revolving around the novels, their charters and events. Its kind of psychic, I mean, we are into this reading business for quite a while and when in free time or even when we have other work to do, we just start reading as if we cant get enough. Its maniacal. But when you are finally done with the novel, there is a hell-of-a-sense-of-achievement. I felt the same and this made me happy. The novels were captivating no doubt, but a little girlie for a normal egoistic guy. But i am not really one of them, so i enjoyed them in earnest. But I had my 'yukk' moments too. No offense girls. haha

I slept late as a consequence and had not more than four hours of sleep before I got up at six. I was supposed to go for my CAT coaching classes. Today was the first day and commencement of my batch. The class was to start from 7:30 and go on till 9:30 and it took me usually an hour to reach CP. So i had half an hour to get ready and fly off for the metro. When i made it there finally a good 15minutes late, i was still huffing. The class was exceptionally quite and everyone seemed to be busy with some paper without even a teacher in class. 'Wow', i thought, first day and and they greet me with a test. sure sure. But as I delved deep into the paper, i realized, my brain was working exceptionally clear. I was able to solve many problems without much brainstorming or hair doodling. This mad me happy for the second time. Although I was felling sleep deprived and physically weak, my mind was racing.

When I got back home, I was all fucked with fever. My forehead burning, feeling cold, my eyes disoriented and I was happy i didn't go unconscious in the metro. huh. I had a good bed rest after some medication. And all that time, i dreamt of vampires and werevolves. huh. silly, how ficton can conquer the unconscious mind so easily.

So not many donuts for me today, only two things made me happy!aarghh, this fever.

train diaries 2

I was sitting on a concrete bench at the railway station. It was past twilight and almost dark. People were bustling around in random directions; some waiting, caterers carrying food, passengers inquiring about the trains, others just wandering. Everything was just a background drone. And I was sitting there alone with strangers on that inconspicious bench, lost somewhere.

I had a very eventful day earlier. My mind so full of thoughts that it almost felt numb; as if I could no longer think. I just sat, staring ahead on the empty tracks which was soon to support a monstrous iron structure meant to carry humans hundreds of kilometres. Then the lady spoke, and I felt her voice all around me, all over the station, echoing through my numb brain. As I finally managed to realize the urgent need to respond to her, I looked around. The voice was still coming from somewhere, everyone listening intently to it. I sighed as I realized it was the computer generated female voice making announcements. 'So stupid roopam, have i lost my mind, I could have missed it', I thought as I came back to present. The noise around me was suddenyl deafening. My train would be arriving here in 20 mins. I looked around.

It was dark indeed and I wasn't dreaming. I thougt of the agony that lay ahead of me. Travelling in a second class coach was never much of a thrill but endurance, a test to human's patience and desparation. My past experiences with it were worse than nightmares. And here I was again, facing another challenge. I shuddered and exhaled in fear and felt an urgent need to clam myself before I panicked. I thought of the 'aal iz well' technique. It was insane enough watching that in the moovie but felt quite reasonable then. I recalled the basics skills of survival. Breathe, look around, look for details. 'Its all in your brain roopam, its nothing dangerous, just ordinary, look at the people around, do they look afraid?', I tried to steady my heartbeat. It wasn't completely successful but yeah it did remind of how much a human can endure, pain is next to nothing in this part of the world. 'Humans are amazing and I am a human too'. Okay, so I looked around again concentrating on the details.

The man sitting next to me was deleting some applcations in his motorolla phone. He was deleting the game, 'prince of persia - sands of time'. I grimaced at how much detail I was supposed to consider. 'Damnit, I have certainly lost my mind'. I instinctively looked at my left wrist. There was no watch. I almost panicked, my heart exploding out of my chest. Then I recalled, the watch had stopped earlier and I had kept it in my bag. Panic was still there. I tried to feel my phone in my waist pcocket, and thanked god having found it. I concentrated again, frantically looking around for details that could put me back in control. I realized i was hungry and I recalled i had a burger in my bag. I took it out and ate it still looking around wildly.

Then a beggar walked from my right. That was sudden; there was a lot of crowd around and very close and suddenly here he was, facing us with a pityful face. I looked at him, surprised, wondering if my face was looking alike in panic: pityful. He asked for some money and said he needs to get home and has no money to buy a ticket. He also added that the ticket was for 35 bucks and I wondered where can a ticket that amount would mean for. 'Kanpur may be..lko was abt 1.5 hrs from kanpur..yah possible'. I ignored him at first as I do with all other beggars. Then he pressed more and said that he just needs some money, he is stuck here and really needs to get home. I dont know what happened to me but i just took out a 5-bucks coin from my pocket and gave him. While my hand was in my pocket searching for the coin, he said 'inka dil bhoot bada h' and looked at me with life in his eyes. I could see it, I could see myself in his place, begging for help, in agony, alone. I gave him the coin and he said 'i love you, i love you man, i love you'. I frowned at the absurdity of the situation and reconsidered my assumption that i wasn't dreaming.

The person sitting beside me chuckled. This was something extremely out of place. But I also knew this was the moment I would'nt forget. I have had one experience with an intelligent and 'exceptional' beggar before. None so thankful as he was and none with the kind of gratitude in the eyes as I saw in his as he left. The guy beside me told, 'you just made his night'. Which of corse meant that all the wanna-go-home excuse was fake. He just craved for alcohol. And I didn't care. I told him, 'ni yar, i have been stuck on a railway station, bht bura hota h, mujhe vo yaad agaya'. And indeed, whenever I think of that night on the station, with no money, my mis-adventures, I have to fight back tears. That was the reason i gave him the money. I don't care if he buys himself a 'desi' with it or gambles, i was happy I helped someone who might be in that nightmarish situation.

And then I was happy, full of energy. I realised I had to change my jeans to a more cmfortable shorts for the journey. I had to call my mom, buy some water. A few more unfortunate things happened that night, but finally in the morning I was in Delhi. And it felt like winning a battle. I wish I could write more about my journey that night or the events that led me so far from my home. The past day two days were more tiring and eventful than last two months combined. My life just had another hysteric and extreme chapter.

hey bhaggu thanx...thanx for giving me a real 'life'.