shifting opinions

Just wound off a very busy day. Was running all the time. Too tired.

I used to hate this song 'emptiness' by that guy Rohan Rathore, who got famous like wildfire and was the country wide heartthrob in no time. I used to hate it for many reasons: ranjeet likes it, hums it around all day; my gf likes it, she likes lany things that depress me, emotional songs and stuff. They depress me. But it's the female stereotype or on second thoughts, may be it generic. Emotions are integral to humans anyway. Am an exception may be. Or a rare person on those lines. Emotions depress me, because I cannot feel them.

But right now, I seem to like this song. I have it playing in the background and it sounds soothing. The music calms me, the voice seems lucid and calming. Things change so fast. Or may be am living too quickly.

better

Today's test was thankfully better. At least I was able to cross the shit!-I-know-only-one-question barrier! Antennas hmm! But that was because I was somehow able to overcome the masochist me and my restless brain. Thankfully! :)

Hoping to do the same ahead. But again my inabilities seem unending. Some people, whom when I meet, I feel lowly in comparison. I can't talk like they do or behave as light-heartedly as they do. Or may be I think too much. Or may be I am looking up to the wrong people. I need some enlightenment on whether the goals that I am targeting are meaningful in my context or is it just the insecure me overreacting and knowingly holding my confidence captive and giving me more reasons to judge myself on the negative side.

And by the way, these songs that I am listening to are pretty provocative emotionally. They go well with a thought train. Cool.

Bad Day

Since the last two days, things have been unfavorable for me. First the disappointment at Directi. Then the bad performance in exam. Plus the bad health. And today the hostel issue.

That guy (I forgot his name again, fuck, what's wrong with my brain), the care taker called me up to ask rhetorical questions about my absence from the hostel. Then he asked me to meet up and told me I was supposed to submit the hostel fees, although I haven't taken it up. What the FUCK. My exams starts in 20 minutes and you are threatening me for the hostel fees.

Finally I met up with him and after much begging could not convince him that this wasn't my fault. I didn't submit the fees as I had no intention of taking up the hostel. But his point was that in such a case, I should've submitted a cancellation application. And that the fees till now was due and had to be submitted to avoid further penalty. Damn it.

Had to run around the campus a lot, from hostel to bank and talk to jagbir and all his gang of government employees aka assholes. It made a bad impression. I've been in much opinion that my reputation has been on the decline ever since I took up Innovision. I feel scared walking in the campus now. Talking to people is a nightmare. My confidence is on an all time low. Shit. It feels bad.

After All

After all, it's flesh and blood!

Atoms and molecules!

Everything will die and will be born again!

So what's the point?

from long past - I wrote this in 2006

Among my recent influences about ancient indian culture, traditions and academics, I had a trip to chattarpur and akshardham temple situated in delhi....
I was on my bed dreaming that I was driving the new YAMAHA bike, the look was fantastic, the sound was charming, the gear box marvelous, I wanted to try the horn..
NO!!! but what it went like 'trriinngg'…the beep of a bicycle. I got up like hell… then….
OK…so it was the telephone..
My father called me and said that they were coming to pick me up as we had to visit the famous temples. It was a great surprise for me as well as a matter of disgrace as my studies were goin to get much worse
I hurriedly woke up and got ready just 5 seconds before a white qualis beeped and I met my parents which I was happy for as I was meeting them after a long time..
So we boarded the vehicle and flew along the roads of north delhi, crossed yamuna, crossed central delhi to reach chattarpur first..
The crowd was not very large but enough to let u know that aaj to mera din kharab hai .
Anyways we submitted our shoes and sandles at the store and got into the temple gate, which was not very big, as far as I know these big temples belong to many gods and goddesses. But the first image I saw was that of durga mata and there were other small temples. Well as u can see in the photo
we visited each of the temples, I did not much paid attention to the images, but all I saw that they were of gold.. I had other responsibilities such as to take care of my 4 yr old cousin, my grand parents and to serve as a link between the ladies much involved in sacred rituals and the gentlemen much giving a flying attention to the sculptures on the walls maintaining a 100 yards distance from the lady members... u see a common trend in most families.
We saw that there was a long queue which ended in a big hall at the front of a stall kind in the front of a durga shrine… they were giving halua puri …
But believe me the floor was diirrrtttyyy.. halua and oil all around.. my aunt gave a few words to the condition of the temple and compared it with the cleanliness of a gurudwara.. I did not much like the idea though….
There was a separate area which in the hot sun was quite lonely…
We saw a big hall like structure apart from the marvelous structures of hanuman, an Indian fairy..
Believe me… the hall was so cool opposite to the sun outside…
It had the grave of some…mahant.. the scent was cchhhaaarming.. of rajnigandha.flower
.
seeing that it was 1pm already, we headed for the akshardham temple.

Hmmmm…. Akshardham I sould say was better.
If the reader has visited the place, then I don't need to tell that our first impression is the marvelously carved temples as seen from outside…. And of course the huge parking slot apart from the large crowd.
I had visited the place before but the bad luck that time was that it was the first of January and Sunday…. A time I would never advice somebody to out…
Even this time it was Sunday and the crowd was enormous.
Well we checked in after a having hot coffee… with the remembrances of the past..
My father bought tickets which were new to me….. I mean I never saw them last time..
We proceeded to see a long queue… I mean lllloooonnnngggg queue …
The ticket had three halls- hall 1, hall 2 , hall 3…

Seeing the size of the hall 1, we knew that it was goin to be long…
OK so we, stood in the queue. To my pleasant surprise a few Chinese tourists stood behind me. O I love these people…. Besides I was attracted towards one of the girls..O man …. She was sweet.
If u know me well… then in front of beautiful girls I tremble like hell…
I did not dare to look behind even.. O man …. GOD help me…pplllleeaaaassseeee.
I thought abat what if she was my friend….
Man….. I was feeling it….. wwoooooowwwww…. BUT no….
What if she did to me what another beautiful girl did to me when I wanted to talk to her… a ssslllllaaaaappp…. Shit..
Hey all u dudes in love….believe me…. Never trust beautiful women… they created the human race and they are the one who will end it.
I could see that few people were tryin to get in front and my aunt was very angry at it and also giving a few more words to them…. To the british tourists…. Who were behaving like morons in saying "how insane" when somebody got in front and doing nothing after that….. I mean it was 2 and ½ hours since we were standing..
Thank god my girl was not the culprit…
I looked behind to see if she was in trouble…. OO N OOOOOO !!!!
She was gone…. These foreigners cannot stand even for 2 hours…
Aur ham BUS PASS ke liye to 2 ghante se 5 minute more khade rehte hain….. hai naaa
O common I was now feeling that it was really 2 hours..
By the way till we reached we concluded that today's day was a waste… hours of standing and nothing yet …..
So we entered the hall 1, where a man with frameless glasses, topless, in orange dhoti and a walky talky at his back… we thought yar technology bahut advance ho gayi hai yar….
We entered a dark room , but when the show started, the light effect was suupperb…
Believe me it was technology….. man… I never saw that before…
First room just introduced us what we were goin to see later…
They were telling us abat the life of some sadhu who founded the akshardham temples..
And his teachings… ten we proceeded to many rooms, which had
Animated statues cool background sense and lighting effects were hunk…
I never saw anything like that before… I was beginning to feel that our 150 Rs ticket and 2 and half hour long wait was not worth nothing…
Hall 2 was a cinema hall, where we saw a movie on the life of the same sadhu….
The movie was great. With elaborous scenes, cute characters, real time stunts, locations and high class acting on a massive scale… the parda was big enough ….. coolll
Believe me, if such movies were made on Ramayana… it would have been more hit than krissh..
Hey by the way have u seen the movie….?
Hall3 was kind of a boat sail, which went through a passage on both sides of which were statues animated fantastically…. Telling abat the history of India…. The underwater technology was mind blowing and the simulations were high class… I don't have words to describe it…
Then we saw a water dance show…. The best thing abat which that the music was created purely with Indian classical instruments, it was a large scale thing…. Hunk
I liked it very much … I mean it…. It was fantastic..
Thankfully though it was 11:30 and we were the last to come out of the gate..
Our driver was patient enough to wait for us… for which we thanked him//
So the day was over and I kept thinking abat the bbeeaauutiful girl.
Kash I could see her again.

self destruct

Why do I tend to self destruct sometimes. Knowingly I commit an act that brings me harm. Masochism. Obsession of being a masochist.

I'll give you an example. I was selected in the first round of Directi, a software company, for their internship program. And now that the second round is tomorrow, I purposely am not studying for that. I just don't feel like. I know that this is the best start I can get to get into software, the field that I so much wanna get into. But No. I'll self destruct. The End. And I can't explain why. The same reason was behind my under-average semester results.

Someone put some sense into me. Please.