claustrophobia?

This was no less than a nightmare. I was sitting in the class at 7:45 AM fighting nausea and trying to steady my breathing. Suddenly I was feeling more sick than ever.

Sitting there in the class I was weighing my options to go out making some excuse to the teacher and risking an already sinking reputation in front of other students (my college mates). But one thing that was clear enough was that I wouldn't survive like this for long. Either I had to rush to the washroom or puke here in front of all the people I knew. And besides I had no notion at all of what was being taught in the class. All I could hear was the churning inside my stomach.

A particular jolt of nausea caught me off guard and I suddenly leaped to my feet walking towards the door. My teacher, as I noticed then was busy answering the question of one of the students. I just whispered "washroom, sir" as I passed him and came out the door. It all happened so fast, that I had no time to check his reaction. But I could finally breathe. This was victory. But the nausea was still brewing, so I headed straight for the washroom and let the stomach take control.

This was certainly a bad day. A very bad day. In there, waiting for my stomach to relax, the thought that constantly tortured me was if someone outside was listening to my sufferings or probably waiting for the room to be free. I wondered how self conscious I was and unnecessarily perceptive. What the hell! And specially after this my confidence will be on an all time low. Specially in dealing with my batch mates who I think look down upon me (or is it just my over analysis).

Finally I came out and was relived to find no one in the vicinity. I checked the watch and there was still an hour and a half left for the class to get over. There was no question of me going back in again. So I came out the building and headed for the foggy roadsides. The cold was unbearable but I was more than thankful to breathe again. The morning sun was just visible in the fog covered horizon. I ached for sunlight; and kept walking in a hope to find it.

I tried to analyze what had just happened. I had slept late last night, almost 3am. Got up at 6 and had maggi and had left for CP soon after. I was early, surprisingly, as I never did better than a 15min late in the class. Sir hadn't yet arrived and as I sat in my usual last bench; I felt suffocated. I didn't give it much notice except when it was replaced by nausea. I grew sick and the next thing I could remember was my difficult breathing and disorientation. What could it be probably? Claustrophobia? I don't know. I never felt suffocated in classrooms until today. It could also have been sleep deprivation and indigestion. Talking about this at home was out of question. I rarely share anything with my family.

So what now? I'll probably do some googling on this subject and see if I can help myself - While I thought all this, I realized I had gone a little too far but finally the sun was out and shining on me. I felt far better and in control of myself. It was also time so I went back to collect my bag which I had left in the classroom and then headed straight to home.

Stay this night - James Blunt

Just love this song



Ooooooh, Oooooooh, Ooooooh, hey!
It’s 72 degrees, zero chance of rain
It’s been a perfect day
We’re all spinning on our heels, so far away from real
In California
We watched the sunset from our car, we all took it in
And by the time that it was dark, you and me had something, yeah!

And if this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

We’ve been singing Billie Jean
Mixin’ vodka with caffeine
We’ve got strangers stopping by
And though you’re out of tune
Girl you blow my mind, you do
And I’ll say I don’t wanna say good night

There’s no quiet corner to get to know each other
And there’s no hurry I’m a patient man
Is your discover
Cause if this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

Just like the song on our radio set
We’ll share the shelter of my single bed
But it’s a different tune that’s stuck in my head
And it goes…
If this is what we’ve got, then what we’ve got is gold
We’re shining bright and I want you, I want you to know
The morning’s on it’s way, our friends all say goodbye
There’s nowhere else to go, I hope that you’ll stay the night

The # effect

We were seven of us. Three, including me were still in college, in their third years and the rest four were pass outs, working. So we had made the joints and were ready to get high. There were two joints in total and quiet thick ones. Such that overall we had more that 3 joints. We started smoking. The joints being passed on in clockwise and anticlockwise directions respectively in the group.


The second time I got my chance to puff, as the joints were passed along in a circle, is when I started to feel that it was different this time. I had tried these before but not with the proximity that I was dealing with now. As I took breaths of hash smoke, I suddenly felt a sharp burning sensation in my throat. This confirmed that this time around I was having the drug more than I've ever tried before.


I excused myself from the group and walked outside. I was scared to the bone by the sudden nausea that was raging inside me. But I hadn't had anything to eat except for some chips that whole morning, so I was almost sure that I won't puke. But still, it was as if something outside my control was playing with the chords of my life. I was uncomfortable to extreme levels. Others came outside soon and stoned obviously, were totally oblivious to my condition or their own for christ sake. Suddenly the death of Heath Ledger due to drug overdose started flooding my thoughts and that made my stomach turn even more. My hear beat was breaking records. My concern of getting home were now replaced by my concern for my survival.


I excused them to go back home. My thoughts were barely in my control and I had to trust it to lead me safely from Safdarjung Encalve to Green Park metro station. I had come here only for the second time and that too via a different route and after a long time. As I turned the corner, my mind started racing.


I got lost deep in the thoughts that I can't recall now. I was looking down on the road and walking. Suddenly when I looked up I realized that I had completely cut my mind off the present. ( And it could've been worse like me landing up in the middle of the road, looking down, lost in my own space, and a crassshhh). After that I made a conscious effort to keep my eyes on the road, on the vehicles around me. But I wasn't successfull at all. Now I am grateful to my instincts which lead me safely back home in spite of my condition being that of a dead body.


There were a few things I remember:

1. As i was walking, I couldn't feel the throb in my legs that I was sure should have been there as a result of the amount of exhaustion i have been throug the day. My legs just kept walking, and it was as if now my concern should be on how to stop them and not on worrying about them collapsing to the wright of my dead-body.


2. I remember hopping on to the ladies compartment of the metro in a rush and total inablity to see and think clearly. Then I suddenly realized that there were females all around, all of them giving me an angry glance. And then the sanity that there was supposed to be something known as the 'ladies-only' compartment. 'OH', I had said to myself and ran out the same moment. All of this happened in 3 seconds.
   


3. There were periods of unconsciousness when I was standing/hanging inside the metro. Not blackouts but periods of total oblivion about my environment. No memories. I was damn sure that my demeanor to an outsider wasn't that of a drunk. It could have been that of an extremely tired dude. But I was sure I wasn't misbehaving inside the metro.
   

By the time I got back home at around 10pm. My hallucination effect was completely gone. Though my control over my body was still in question. My throat was burning dry and the first thing I did was to drink lots of water. It was also to remove the lingering odor (if any) for my Mom to detect. (Once you take hash and are away from smoke, then unlike cigarettes, there's no odor from your mouth (unless of course inspected very closely)). Then ate lots of food and went straight to the bed.

social-networking : internet : life

God Jesus. I was just saw the movie 'The social network' and this concept really motivated me. Writing code. Thinking of an original idea, implementing it. I really want to do that. In fact I am doing something on similar lines. Wish this ends up well.

Online projects never really "end-up" . If you don't update your project, be it a website, an application, an extension or anything one can think of on the internet, it'll die off. Internet changes really fast. In fact, the pace of this change sometimes defines the way we percept the phases in our life. For an instance, my life before I became really active on Facebook, now, seems like ages ago. Internet has affected us so much. Its more addictive that anything I've tried. And if one thinks one can get away with it, I wonder how wrong he/she is. If you fall for internet, you get addicted. If you happen to maintain a distance, you fall behind the pace with which the things are changing.

God help us!