The end where I begin

So my college is over.

I don't feel like I ideally should. It does feel weird, that of something coming to an end. But I've never really felt attached to anyone, place or thing, hence the apathy. What bothers me although, is the sudden change in schedule that is visible on the horizon. The shift from careless-college to a pensive-professional life. There is too much uncertainty.

The journey for the last four years has been very happening. Especially the first two years. The next two were sober. A little downward slant in my confidence graph which I regret sometimes. I port it to the reason of me leaving hostel. Had I stayed there, things would have been very different for me. You just don't abandon a house which you've been building from scratch for a very long time. All I was left with was a broken reputation, faded friendships and a confidence lost with time.

It was not that bad though. I learnt other things. I was able to give more time to my parents and stayed in a better health. So basically its a confused reaction I would give if someone asked me how it feels to leave college. Too many happy memories for sure, but also too old to try and relive them. As I told a friend once, "What you are missing is already gone" and telling this to myself always makes me feel much better.

There are couple of things I would regret though. I could never have a girl-friend in college. Not in the conventional sense, but a companion for mutual learning and caring at a respectful level. May be because I don't have the swag that ladies prefer. May be I am not that socially outgoing. May be the girls weren't good enough either. An engineering college is almost always the wrong place if you want to meet a girl of your taste. Too complicated, fuck it.

Another thing I would regret is my back in Optical Communication paper in my seventh semester. If you are a bad ass adrenalin junkie, boasting of a back does make you look cool and makes everyone else feel jealous. But if you are one of the jealous lot, and later try to be a bad ass adrenalin junkie when you get an unexpected back, its not the same. You try to act cool, but at the back of your mind, you can't get the guilt out of your system. You just try to convince yourself, that its a dream and it will be all right somehow. I can't drop the paper either, its a compulsory subject. I'll have to wait another year to get my engineering degree and that is if I clear the retest. This ruins the moment. Damn!

Meanwhile I was rummaging my old hostel stuff and found this diary. There were lyrics of a song written at the end which I remember writing two years back. Ironically, the song fits this situation and its a nice song too. I'll share it here along with the lyrics.

8 'o' clock precise

One of the earliest songs I ever heard. The tune of this song is like embedded inside my head. It plays back sometimes when I get up and look at the clock. The lyrics don't make much sense to me. Its just the warm, juvenile, dreamy emotion attached to it.

#FuckSopa

Stone Cold

I am in Gorakhpur right now. Its 7:30 in the morning and its stone cold here. The fog outside is overwhelming. Its seems a little out of place, may be because I've always associated deep winters with my home city New Delhi. I am here for my naturopathic treatment. I am not suffering from anything really, it is just for "cleaning the body from the inside."

Here, they put emphasis on lifestyle. The food we eat, the schedule we follow; instead of medicines to cure illness. Apart from that there are "treatments". One of them involves, and reader discretion advised for what lies after this, inserting a tube up one's arse and then inserting warm water; one litre of that. After that the "patient" feels pressure and excretes.

Yeah, don't make a face; because I just had that. This method is supposed to clean the intestines and hence makes the digestive system more efficient. And apparently there are no side effects. The food here is without salt, oil; ultra simple food. I am supposed to walk for 45 minutes both in morning and evening. There are couple of other treatments I have taken so far which are less sinister: hot water bath for legs and hot-n-cold water bags on the stomach. It feels weird; I am just here coz my grand dad. Hope this ends well.

Emotions can be such a bitch

A friend of mine proposed a girl from my college. It's strange how the story resembles the many I have come across earlier. Boy likes the girl; plans out THE moment to propose her; prepares a gift et al; and then a rejection; hurt and lost the boy looks for relief in his buddies; gets drunk; blurts it out; his love, passion and the tragic ending. Every boy I know personally enough to share such things have gone through this story.

It's emotions after all. Care, infatuation, craziness, et al. Its so human. Its not bad always. It can sometimes drive a person to achieve something too far otherwise. Take my friend for example. I am getting the intuition that he's gonna crack some big shot company in order to prove himself. Something he wouldn't have cared about if this incident hadn't happened.

People need an incentive. A reason. They need a driving kick to achieve something amazing. People work because they need money. This money could be fulfilling some or many aspirations/reasons. Money to survive; to have a respectable social status; to give someone's family a comfortable life. Whatever. The whole point of the whole point is: humans need incentive. The girl in our example could have had a reason. She could already have been dating or wanted to date someone else. She could have had a family pressure. She might not have liked my friend in general. The argument tree can grow infinitely in n dimensions with n tending to infinity.

I was just pondering about how everything came into being. The emotions/reasons/money/love: where did it came from. Why us, humans are so much of a slave for them. The answer could lie in our up bringing. The society that we grew in. The elders we saw while growing up. May be our mind indeed was like an empty bucket. It becomes what is filled in. The whole network of do-this-when-this-happens is all created and builds up as we grow and hence in every generation psychological trends tend to repeat.

This is so confusing. Emotions are such a mesh of arguments and nodes. You pick one end and try to reach somewhere, there are chances you will never get there and get lost eventually. It's such a bitch. It's often more reasonable to just shut out the mind when it gets excess and become evil.

Fuck!