The # effect

We were seven of us. Three, including me were still in college, in their third years and the rest four were pass outs, working. So we had made the joints and were ready to get high. There were two joints in total and quiet thick ones. Such that overall we had more that 3 joints. We started smoking. The joints being passed on in clockwise and anticlockwise directions respectively in the group.


The second time I got my chance to puff, as the joints were passed along in a circle, is when I started to feel that it was different this time. I had tried these before but not with the proximity that I was dealing with now. As I took breaths of hash smoke, I suddenly felt a sharp burning sensation in my throat. This confirmed that this time around I was having the drug more than I've ever tried before.


I excused myself from the group and walked outside. I was scared to the bone by the sudden nausea that was raging inside me. But I hadn't had anything to eat except for some chips that whole morning, so I was almost sure that I won't puke. But still, it was as if something outside my control was playing with the chords of my life. I was uncomfortable to extreme levels. Others came outside soon and stoned obviously, were totally oblivious to my condition or their own for christ sake. Suddenly the death of Heath Ledger due to drug overdose started flooding my thoughts and that made my stomach turn even more. My hear beat was breaking records. My concern of getting home were now replaced by my concern for my survival.


I excused them to go back home. My thoughts were barely in my control and I had to trust it to lead me safely from Safdarjung Encalve to Green Park metro station. I had come here only for the second time and that too via a different route and after a long time. As I turned the corner, my mind started racing.


I got lost deep in the thoughts that I can't recall now. I was looking down on the road and walking. Suddenly when I looked up I realized that I had completely cut my mind off the present. ( And it could've been worse like me landing up in the middle of the road, looking down, lost in my own space, and a crassshhh). After that I made a conscious effort to keep my eyes on the road, on the vehicles around me. But I wasn't successfull at all. Now I am grateful to my instincts which lead me safely back home in spite of my condition being that of a dead body.


There were a few things I remember:

1. As i was walking, I couldn't feel the throb in my legs that I was sure should have been there as a result of the amount of exhaustion i have been throug the day. My legs just kept walking, and it was as if now my concern should be on how to stop them and not on worrying about them collapsing to the wright of my dead-body.


2. I remember hopping on to the ladies compartment of the metro in a rush and total inablity to see and think clearly. Then I suddenly realized that there were females all around, all of them giving me an angry glance. And then the sanity that there was supposed to be something known as the 'ladies-only' compartment. 'OH', I had said to myself and ran out the same moment. All of this happened in 3 seconds.
   


3. There were periods of unconsciousness when I was standing/hanging inside the metro. Not blackouts but periods of total oblivion about my environment. No memories. I was damn sure that my demeanor to an outsider wasn't that of a drunk. It could have been that of an extremely tired dude. But I was sure I wasn't misbehaving inside the metro.
   

By the time I got back home at around 10pm. My hallucination effect was completely gone. Though my control over my body was still in question. My throat was burning dry and the first thing I did was to drink lots of water. It was also to remove the lingering odor (if any) for my Mom to detect. (Once you take hash and are away from smoke, then unlike cigarettes, there's no odor from your mouth (unless of course inspected very closely)). Then ate lots of food and went straight to the bed.

social-networking : internet : life

God Jesus. I was just saw the movie 'The social network' and this concept really motivated me. Writing code. Thinking of an original idea, implementing it. I really want to do that. In fact I am doing something on similar lines. Wish this ends up well.

Online projects never really "end-up" . If you don't update your project, be it a website, an application, an extension or anything one can think of on the internet, it'll die off. Internet changes really fast. In fact, the pace of this change sometimes defines the way we percept the phases in our life. For an instance, my life before I became really active on Facebook, now, seems like ages ago. Internet has affected us so much. Its more addictive that anything I've tried. And if one thinks one can get away with it, I wonder how wrong he/she is. If you fall for internet, you get addicted. If you happen to maintain a distance, you fall behind the pace with which the things are changing.

God help us!

Why I screwed up my end sems ??

And I have done it again. The graph just keeps falling. I screwed up my third semester exams and an year after, the fifth semester exams have been a legacy. So whats the reason?

Dude, Roopam! What happened to you? This was never the way things were. And suddenly the world is upside down. Whatsup! hmm?

I don't know brother, I just don't fucking know for sure. Wish I did. It so much drives the crap out of me. Here's what I "think" ruined me:

1. Love

No need to explain really. Right? And nothing can be done for this except for adapting and incorporating whatever extra dynamics it brings along so that life remains stable somehow.

2. My Brain

Recently I am facing a ridiculous problem. Its insane to even think that way, my sub-conscious brain prevents my conscious brain to do what has to be done. Its as if I myself stop myself to study or work or do something which my conscious mind is screaming for. And I have no control on that. I am going crazy, for sure.

3. My Distractions (in work)

Yeah, I am so much involved into things far far from my engineering schedule, that there was a point when I almost made up my mind to just stand up and go. Leave engineering and do what I my abilities call for. It's like I am not made for electronics. Circuits scare me. Although, If you force upon me shit loads of books and give a deadline for an exam. I can probably get a 40% and clear it. Or even a 60% if I really work hard or if you give me an ultimatum that it's either an 80% or death, then I might even reach 75%. (Although perishing wouldn't be a very effective motivation if anyone took that one seriously. haha) But that would be because I was forced to do it. I wish I had taken Computers. But again, computer courses have their own complications. There is too much uncertainty when loads of codes and algorithms are played with. It gets too frustrating sometimes. So I dread that subject too. Fuck.

Oh then, what do you want loser?

I don't know. I don't.

4. My late start

Coming to the practical reasons, not preparing from the start of the semester does makes sense. But then, I have the justification in a jiffy.

Are you crazy? Study like a nerd from the start...for 6 months..study that shit, which I am never probably gonna use? Waste your youth, your time in that? Really Roopam? Is that what you want?

No, I don't want that. But it wasn't that extreme, you know, I could have studied smartly. Made proper notes, attended the classes (as much as I my distractions allowed me). The subjects were not boring after all. Electronics has a whole new light, when the formulas, derivations and circuits are studied with its applications.

Gotta improve on that brother.

5. Peers

Really, Are you blaming your friends for your screwing up?

No I...No I am not. How can I? That would be foolish. If I can't decide what's good for me and what's not, who in hell gives me the right to blame them. Self Control. The lack of which is the reason. Prioritize. That's whats I need to do. There are unlimited things to do. I have to understand I can't do all of that. I have to prioritize. Do what's necessary. Identify the requirement, work for it. Learn from mistakes and have patience .

So peers and friends were never a reason. My friends, no matter how much cheap and low-life they seem, are the most amazing lot of people I have seen in this world. :P :)

6. No Books (over belief)

Okay don't believe me, but I gave two exams without having their books. CSO and IOME. (@non-engineers: the first one is Computer System Organization and second one is Industrial Organization and Management Engineering and no, they are not as scary as their names, :P ).

I solely was dependent on slideshows for CSO and internet for IOME and I proudly say that I might as well pass these exams and that would be an unusual achievement in fact. Passing an exam without it's book.

Roopam, dude, you are amazing!

Any ways back to the point. So you might ask: "WHY". Why didn't I buy a book.

Why?

My brain keeps holding me back, remember? I knew I have to buy a book. I even had the money for that. But, well, my dark sided "me" thought it wasn't necessary. Although I was clear, that I don't make notes anyways. "so where am I gonna study from, library?". I don't even have a library card. Ask me "why?". I lost my earlier one and didn't bother to make a new one.

This only means two things bro. Either you are too lazy or you are not clear about what you want.

So I think that's pretty much the bull's eye. The main reason being my being oblivious to what I want. I am just too much distracted.
But that's the diagnosis. Where's the medicine?

big hard sun

When I walk beside her
I am the better man
when i look to leave her
I always stagger back again

Once I built an ivory tower
so I could worship from above
when I climb down to be set free
she took me in again

There’s a big
a big hard sun
beating on the big people
in the big hard world

When she comes to greet me
she is mercy at my feet
I see her inner charm
she just throws it back at me

Once I dug an early grave
to find a better land
she just smiled and laughed at me
and took her rules back again

Once I stood to lose her
and I saw what i had done
bowed down and threw away the hours
of her garden and her sun

So I tried to want her
I turned to see her weep
40 days and 40 nights
and its still coming down on me

-eddie vedder

Such a rush - 2

I am feeling so enlightened while I am writing this. I feel like jumping (if only I was not so damn tired). So you guys might be wondering what I am so excitedly talking about. Hmm. Let me explain. My recent life has been a rush. Everything happening at such a pace, that I can’t keep a track of time. I infact forgot in which month did I buy my Laptop. That’s dumb because how could anyone forget such a major event. Well, I remember everything. From the shop from where I bought it, to the conversation the shop manager had with my father (bits of it), the feeling when I took this amazing machine in my hand and proudly said, ‘this is mine’. I just don’t remember the date. I can guess though, I have been using it in the vacations between my fourth and fifth semester and I didn’t have it in most of my fourth semester. So I can calculate that I bought it somewhere around the end of my fourth semester, which should be MAY. So MAY it is. Haha.

Coming back to my point, the thing that i am excited about is the pace of my life now a days. I almost always have work to do (or may be I hype trifle things and create work which don’t exist). And I would confess that I need work so stay normal. Sitting alone without having anything to do drives me insane. I was never like that until an year and half back. That was when I got selected for the Robosapiens workshop insanity and it took my normal self away. I should thank them in fact for taking out my static life and put it on fast track. Adapting to the sudden change wasn’t easy. And I still am a rookie at handling the workload. But still today I am feeling a sense of achievement. At the end of the day, when one thinks about how many jobs he did, how much easier he made things for himself and for others, he has the liberty to feel happy.

I just wish that this rush doesn’t take away my health, my friends and my family.